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How to Tell When She’s Just Not That into You, Bro

December 10, 2013

I would hope that I have done my part to inform the dude-bros and broskis of the world that when a woman is wearing a team’s colors or logo and is actively yelling at said team in a sports bar, it’s a pretty clear indicator that she came to said bar to see them, not to talk to you.

But what about the other myriad situations in which a woman might have gone out to an establishment by herself with every intention of ending the night still by herself? I have used this blog to gripe incessantly about societal dating and mating games that require men to be all manly and not stop until they have successfully browbeaten a woman into being swept off her feet, while the woman in question must giggle and coyly decline because she doesn’t want her feet, or any other body part, to be swept so easily.

My basic problem with this setup is, as evidenced by my horrible experience in that L.A. bar–well, besides the Patriots winning the game (insert grumbling about Massholes here, as I’m failing to think of any Boston team that hasn’t somehow fucked over a Denver team at a crucial moment in the last decade)–is that an eventual “yes” is always presumed to emerge from the woman’s lips. Any other answer is her playing hard-to-get.

So as a further PSA to the hapless male victims of societal conditioning, Not Taken, Not Available would like to once again present, in list-errific form, 5 ways that you can tell right off the bat (or kickoff, if it’s football season still) that she would rather eat lead paint chips than go home with you:

1. She says no to your suggestions.

This should be a no-brainer, but see aforementioned gripe about societal conditioning about how “no” really means “yes, if you just try harder, tee-hee!” If she doesn’t want to go for another drink with you after the game, or exchange numbers, or share some chips and salsa with you, etc., don’t push it. Even if you THINK she might be hinting at a “yes, if you try harder,” take her at her word. If guys started saying “okay” and walking away when they got turned down, maybe we could end this bullshit once and for all.

1a. She turns down your offer to buy her a drink.

I put this as its own category separate from the rest of #1 because the general consensus among my female friends who have been in a similarly awkward place as I was two and a half weeks ago (that is to say, in L.A.) is that you should just accept the drink, even if the dude’s not to your liking, because free booze!

Which should be a clear indicator that if the woman whose tab you’re offering to pick up is flatly refusing, it means she really, truly doesn’t want to have anything to do with you and would like to make that obvious from the first sentence. If she won’t let you buy her a drink with no explanation (no hasty addition that she’s a recovering alcoholic, is allergic, etc.), back right the fuck off.

2. She’s reading a book. 

…Or an iPad or Kindle. Or working on her laptop. If she brought something to occupy herself with and is hunched over and focused on it, you could risk a glare that will cause your testicles to retreat inside of you and make your penis fall off and scramble to the nearest corner for safety.

3. She’s already having an intimate conversation with someone else. 

It doesn’t matter if this person is just a friend, or there’s a “boy” or “girl” attached to the front of the word. Unless she and her friend are dressed to the nines and are clearly scanning the crowd for prospects, chances are she went out to spend time with the guy or gal she’s already with–not you.

4. She ordered food and is eating it.

In my family, the table goes silent when dinner is served. We taking eating very seriously, and woe betide the wretch who tries to make the food go cold by starting a conversation. Even if you weren’t raised by feral wolfhounds, eating is generally messy and not a time when one feels at their peak standards of attraction, so if the object of your affections is tearing into her meal with gusto, there’s an exceptional chance that she’ll be tearing into you–and not in the sexy way, unless you have a really strange fetish–if you try to interrupt her special moment.

5. She responds to all your remarks with grunts, monosyllables, and a lack of eye contact.

Ah, dating advice from men and women alike. It generally poses quite the dilemma, since it does encourage guys to keep persisting even after a firm “no” has been issued, and since the law dictates that it’s not okay to unprovokedly haul off and punch someone no matter how annoying they’re being, we naysayers are left relying on what should be a clear lack of interest to try and reinforce what we’ve already stated.

So if you totally ignored numbers 1 and 1a, pull your head out of your ass long enough to pay attention to what’s going on after whatever offer you made got declined. If she’s responding as tersely as possible, looking at anything in the room but you, responding to your lame jokes with stony silence, or pulling out her phone as soon as finally shut your blowhole (most likely to text her friends about this cumsock who won’t take a fucking hint), she does. Not. Want. To. Talk. To. You. Take a deep breath, realize you’re not the ladykiller that the Jager Bombs you just threw down made you think you were, and beat a retreat.

I hope this clears a few things up, dudes of the world. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to keep them to yourselves, because I’ll be too busy loudly asking the refs how much the opposing team’s QB had to suck their dicks for them to make such bad calls.

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2 Comments
  1. Some guys believe that persistence is “sexy”. It may be, but only if the other person is truly.interested. If a person is giving off the “Unavailable for conversation, or anything else…” vibe, they really ought to learn how to see it.

  2. ok I can’t help myself. lots of really great not to do’s and thank you for them, cause really guys… Quick tip, tell her a quick joke and then WALK AWAY! I had no interest in meeting anyone and yet I found myself serching out this witty man in the bar.

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