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You Want to Know What I’m Thinking about as Much as I Want to Share It

March 18, 2013

“What are you thinking about?” several guys have asked me, proving that gender stereotypes really are crap after all. Especially since the answer I generally want to give is, “How much I’d like to stab you in your Broca’s Area with an icepick so you can’t ask that stupid question again!”

This is reason # 35,429 why I am not currently and possibly never will be ready for another serious relationship. According to hours of intensive research (namely, the scholarly sources known as the comments sections on FMyLife and Dear Prudence on Slate), privacy is not something to be expected in a loving relationship. Far from. In fact, if you are in a relationship, nothing should be hidden between two people.

According to what is either a dispiritingly large or migraine-inducingly vocal segment of the adult population, there are to be no secrets. None. Which means it’s fair game for your partner to go through your texts, emails, Facebook private messages, and internet browser history. Because discovering that your SO has read a disturbing amount of Kirk/Spock slashfic or has exchanged Facebook messages with a high school crush will only lead to a mind-opening, intimate conversation between you two and not a shouting match that ends with a series of tears and slammed doors.

Obviously, thoughts are also in the no-holds-barred category. Which, again, is totally not a recipe for disaster in the slightest. It’s not like one of the guys I know who made the mistake of truthfully answering my Least Favorite Question Ever (what he was thinking about as he and his now-ex cuddled: “Mario Kart”) avoided the cold shoulder and cold other-parts-too for a week or so afterwards because of his honesty.

The truth I think we should all be comfortable enough to admit to ourselves is that we really don’t want to know everything about our partners. Not only can an innocent comment made on the spot get blown way out of proportion, but learning too much about our partners makes them lose appeal in our eyes. A friend of mine was still in the getting-to-know-you stage of her relationship with one charmer who told her, “I used to have sex with my brother. But I’m not gay. We were just bored and experimental.” To which she could only reply, “Next time you want to share something? Don’t!”

Needless to say, that romance did not last long. But it doesn’t take admissions of consensual teenage incest to abruptly snuff the first flames of passion. Even the commenters on FML and Dear Prudence generally band together to agree that activities such as taking a dump or clipping toenails are best done far from your lover’s line of vision. Unless you’re into either of those activities. Which most commenters are vehemently not.

So if grooming habits and bodily functions are not to be shared, why should every thought and passing online comment be fodder for someone else’s scrutiny? Don’t we all have some thoughts that, like the aforementioned unpleasant but necessary rituals, are best left behind closed doors? I occasionally have visceral, detailed fantasies that would make the titular character in Dexter cringe. Surely those would drive most of my sane friends and family away, not to mention anybody who happened to see me in a potentially romantic light.

Especially since if those potential dates really wanted to know what I was thinking and whether it related to them, they could just follow this blog. Even though the real answer probably has to do with Trek slashfic.


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  1. MARIO KART! Hahahah fecking hilarious!

    • Apparently, no one bothered to tell that poor dude that the correct answer is, “How beautiful you look in the moonlight!” You can see why I was friends with him, though!

  2. Chikashi permalink

    It’s a really daft question, as it really isn’t a question, is it? Rather, it’s a statement: ‘You’re awfully quiet. You better be thinking about me, in a positive context, no less.’ Mario Kart is priceless.

    • Yeah, it’s a deliberate set-up, all right. He seemed so sad when she broke up with him, until he remembered that he’d have more time for Mario Kart!

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